Time catches up with us all, my friends. One minute you’re out necking shots with scantily clad off-duty firemen off the bellies of pandas, the next you’re cleaning McDonald’s toilets for the 18,931st time wondering why your hair is falling out in clumps and where have all the pandas gone. But imagine what it’s like if you’re a celebrity – lauded for your appearance and celebrated for your sexiness? Some might say fuck them they chose the career, if they don’t like it they should’ve got a proper job like me – but here we take a more sensitive line. When you stop being really good looking, things can get hard. Here’s what five of your favourite 1990s celebrities look like now – YOU WON’T BELIEVE NUMBER FIVE ETC.
‘Wolf’ from TV’s Gladiators
He used to put the shivers up even the hardiest of sheep, but these days Wolf – real name Paul Gadd – spends his time hunting for real. “I transitioned into a wolf in 2008, and whilst it’s not recognised legally all of my family now treat me as if I were lupine. Well, not all of them. None of them, in fact. They disowned me when I had the tail sewn on”.
If you grew up in the 90s two things are a certainty – you definitely would have won the Crystal Maze if they done a kids one, and you watched Wackaday on a summer holiday morning. Following his success, host Timmy Mallet (real name Debs Slither) blew his entire fortune on plastic surgery, and these days busks hip-hop versions of your favourite nursery rhymes on Great Yarmouth Promenade whilst looking like an accident in a toy factory.
TV’s AC Slater
AC Slater was the typical jock – thick as shit with a perm. The actor who played him – Muscle Guy 3 – spend most of the early 2000s trying to shake off the stigma of the role, attempting careers in Oat Rolling, Garden Ballet and Iceberg Counting before a tragic wheelie bin accident in 2008 left him confined to a brine-filled glass jar.
Everyone’s favourite Teletubby was also the naughtiest – with stories of drug abuse, prostitution, racism and drug abuse a regular feature of actor Bert Sled’s personal life. Time catches up with us all, and his ageless body is spoilt by a face like a fermented toe.
Life was sweet for Denise Richards in the 90s – lads mags loved her, movie producers didn’t mind her and audiences didn’t get overly offended by her presence. But it all turned to shit when she married half-man-half-tiger Carlito Estefez (real name Charlie Sheen) in 2002. Whilst sleeping in their tent outside her Dad’s house, her husband – high on whatever type of crack it is that Charlie Sheen secretes from his anus – strapped her into an experimental machine and had his face swapped with hers. The results, as they say in Wolverhampton, were tragic.