You don’t have to wake up in a gutter, covered in vomit and urine, with one shoe missing and a throbbing pain in your liver to know that mornings are crap. I hate mornings so much that I’ve set the snooze function on my alarm clock to 6 hours. Wake up. Rub eyes. Toilet. Kettle. Feed hostages. You know how it is.
Anyway, if you’re feeling like telling this morning to go fuck itself, here are five REAL things that would make your morning infinitely worse.
YOUR HEAD IS A PUMPKIN
Stoke resident Philip Whom had the surprise of his life when he woke up the morning after his son’s 21st birthday party to find an unusual reflection staring back at him: “I remember it vividly. I’d been up about an hour before I went for a wash and a shave, when I got to the bathroom I noticed my head was orange and larger than usual – my glasses wouldn’t fit on my huge shiny orange face, so I popped next door to see Jeff. His reaction was priceless! JESUS CHRIST WHAT’S HAPPENED TO YOUR FUCKING HEAD!? or something along those lines. He confirmed that I had a pumpkin where my head normally is. Just my luck! Anyway, the Doctors couldn’t do anything about it so I’m stuck with it now.”
Not one to complain, Philip moved to London and has carved out a career as a Pumpkin Artist at a trendy Shoreditch Food Hub.
YOUR TOE IS STUCK IN A FERRET
Sheffield housewife Brenda Baggage woke up on the day of her wedding to find her pet ferret Tadger had clamped his mouth around her big toe. “I wouldn’t normally mind” says Brenda, who wouldn’t normally mind “but it was my wedding day, y’now”. A quick call to her dressmaker solved the problem – he adapted her shoes to accomodate the ferret. “People loved it!” says Brenda, who was forced to shoot the ferret off with a whaling harpoon later that day.
SOMEONE TURNED YOUR HOUSE INTO CHEESE SAUCE
Australian student Balthazar Aplenty woke up one day to find somebody had covered his house in cheddar cheese and microwaved it for 20 minutes. “The whole thing was a shock, you don’t expect to go to bed in a house made of bricks and wake up looking like a plate of cheesy chips from Ali HeHe’s Kebabz.” Balthazar has still not determined the identity of the culprit, but remains hopeful “There can’t be many people with a microwave big enough to fit a house in let alone one that can be transported around the place. I already suspect the perpetrator to be involved in the dairy business, as who would have that much cheese? Other than Michael Buble, of course”.
YOU’VE BEEN REPLACED BY A COMPUTER
Former murderer Davide L’Ostrich went to bed a man and woke up a machine! “They swapped my brain out for a neuro net processor – a learning computer” explains Davide, now known as TX340. The physiological possibilities of TX340’s situation have baffled doctors the world over, with one specialist claiming “Something like this can only ever be viewed as temporary, as new technology comes onto market we will be able to upgrade the patient’s brainpower to similar to human levels – so don’t worry – in one form or another he’ll be back”.
EVERYBODY HAS LEFT YOU
Drug riddled adulterer Daniel Slut woke up on Christmas Day to find his house deserted. “I had 4 or 5 children, a wife and a pair of dogs. All of a sudden – gone!” Dan, who suffers from an incredible lack of self-awareness, thinks his family were abducted “The wife left massive floaters in each of our 4 toilets. I feel like maybe she was trying to communicate with me about who was kidnapping her”. The case remains unsolved.