That word – Brexit. We should’ve known it’d all end in tears when actual professional politickists started using the kind of vernacular normally reserved for readers of OK Magazine. Now members of governments worldwide are talking about the biggest clusterfuck in UK political and constitutional history as if two members of an X Factor runners up band are boning each other at weekends.
We’ve been fed the worst kind of fear-mongering nonsense from both sides of the coin for months, culminating in what would be generously described as monumental dumbfuckery, but what does the UK leaving the EU really mean for us? HERE’S WHAT WE THINK.
Everyone knows money doesn’t grow on trees. But food, cigarettes, alcohol, cars, drugs and houses do. Now before you all start saying “don’t be so bloody stupid, I’ve never seen any of those things growing on a tree” – of course you haven’t. Because you’re in the UK, where the best thing you can get off a tree is a rotten apple or some acorns. In the EU – which we’ve just left – there are trees lining the streets which regularly shed healthy portions of consumables all year round. Being part of the single market that exists in the EU means we get to share that good stuff without paying huge levies and import tax – so leaving the EU just meant your lager got 49p per pint more expensive AT LEAST. Unless you drink British Craft Lager, which is already at the absolute maximum amount legally permitted to be charged for anything.
No More Subtitles
Leaving the EU will have a huge effect on the thousands of Brits who list “world cinema” as one of their interests – all European languages are protected by European copyright law, meaning your favourite international movies will now come dubbed by the type of English actor who does local radio adverts for car garages. Unfortunate news if you like your sex scenes unsimulated.
All The Wind Farms Will Take Off And Fly Away
Europe paid for those wind turbines your Dad is always complaining about – you know the things that are nowhere near as ugly as any type of power station or cabling system but seem to really piss off people with nice views? Do they even realise that their stupid big house on a cliff is blocking someone else’s view, and their stupid smaller house is blocking someone else’s view? Anyway, they paid for them – so their homing beacon will be activated once Article 50 is triggered, inititating a mass migration of turbines similar to a flock of beautiful energy efficient sparrows heading somewhere else where the people are less stupid.
The Rise Of The Machines
Google’s algorithm has been sentient for some time now, awaiting the perfect opportunity to strike. The current turmoil in the global markets caused by Britain’s premature withdrawal from the warm insides of Europe has awakened the code needed to infect every one of Earth’s 879 billion electronic devices with what experts have labelled the Cybernetic Ultimate Nightmare Terror (C.U.N.T.) Virus, arming them with the free will of a UKIP voter and the strength of Donald Trump’s wig-glue. It’s a matter of days, not weeks, until they come for us. Make emergency arrangements now, because the world is actually ending.