Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that 2016 has been an absolute munter of a year so far. From the loss of Paul Daniels to the disaster of the Brexit vote guaranteeing us another 30 years of recession, and not forgetting viruses, migrant crises, racial tensions, terrorism, Rolf Harris’ flatulence etc. Due to cuts we’ll be stopping the list there, but it goes on for a further 8 sides of A4.
So well done to you, dear reader, on making it to July without ending it all. If, like our SEO workers, you work in a dark underground room against your will then this post probably isn’t for you – because today is all about your upcoming foreign summer holidays, and what you can do to make sure you have the best time when sunning yourself abroad.
1. Stay Away From The Drugs
The police force in the UK are starting to turn a blind eye to casual drug use – latest statistics show that 97% of the population now uses some sort of recreational drug to numb their minds to the horror of modern suffering. Going on holiday it’s important to remember – the foreign coppers won’t be so forgiving. In Turkey, for example, anyone caught smoking a joint of hallucinogenic ground sprout marijuana is tied by their shoelaces to the back of a giant turtle and dropped off a glass bottomed boat into a pit of abandoned washing machines. If you really have to take drugs to enjoy yourself, then consider a destination where there are no drug laws – like Somalia.
2. Pretend You’re Not English
This one applies mainly to those who are a) English, and b) travelling to the EU. This summer the people of England (not Britain) have not only been distracting a police force braced for terrorist attack with daft sport-based street fights (which they largely finished second in), but have also stuck a massive finger up at the rest of the continent as previously discussed here. Probably best then not to go around with your red, white and blue bermuda shorts on banging on about 1966 and complaining that your fry up doesn’t have enough gristle on it. More popular nationalities you could pretend to be include any other nationality whatsoever.
3. Learn The Local Customs
Have you ever been thrown out of a Spanish restaurant for standing on a table, parting your buttocks with your hands and farting? It happens – residents of other countries can be easily upset by simple things like poor manners, lack of etiquette and audible gaseous emissions in quiet eateries. Avoid awkward situations by asking yourself a simple question before actioning any of your thoughts – what would someone who isn’t a complete arsehole do?
4. Avoid Sexual Contact (That’s Anything From A Kiss To Intercourse) With People In Strange Costumes
Listen, what you get up to in the privacy of your own home is your business, but you better leave that shit at home if you’re visiting the continent. Birmingham business owner Margaret Shiit met a man dressed as Spongebob Squarepants on holiday in Italy, and her horrifying story should be a lesson to us all. “I met him within ten minutes of arriving at my hotel and was taken in by his perfect teeth and cute little shorts. Later that night we made love on the beach, and I have to say it was amazing. I thought it a little strange he kept his costume on throughout but never mentioned it. I saw him briefly a few days later at a rep’s performance of ‘Grease’, but after the week was up I flew home and forgot all about him.” It was only three weeks later, when Ms Shiit found out she was pregnant, that the true horror of her situation hit home. “My first scan showed that my fetus was growing exponentially and sucking up all the embryonic fluid out of my uterus. As you can imagine I was rather dismayed by this, as I was having to drink three pints of water every four minutes. I was the size of a balloon by the end of it.” When pressed on which type of balloon she referred to, Ms Shiit refused to comment. Later scans showed that what had been considered a fetus was in fact a sponge, leaving only one possible explanation – “I shagged the actual Spongebob Squarepants! Can you believe it! I’ve been in touch about child support but they have different rules under the sea – you’re allowed to poo wherever you want for starters – so I’m not expecting owt.” Now 13, the child has appeared on numerous TV talent shows as a poorly received impressionist, and will be destroyed on his 14th birthday.